


Somewhere safe to finally break

by onefootintheboilinghotlava



Series: Malec Ficlet Collection [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-War, post-s2, ragnor is gone in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8810707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefootintheboilinghotlava/pseuds/onefootintheboilinghotlava
Summary: With the war finally over, Magnus had time to be alone and his mind decided to bring up all the things and people he had lost in the war at once. At his own loft, with his two beloved cats sleeping soundly, Magnus broke down......





	

It was another few weeks of hard battles and mostly war-related news exchanged between Magnus and Alec. The search of Jace had been nigh until they finally found him, Magnus was there holding the last line of defence before Valentines’ men were gonna go after them. It was astonishing to see Clary, such a tiny figure, carrying Jace bridal style alone and walked into the portal, returning to the New York Institute.

 

Seeing Chairman Meow and Church curling beside each other and deep in sleep had somehow made Magnus break, standing in the middle of his loft. Magnus collapsed onto the couch, hugging one of the cushions as tight as he could and his mind started flashing. Every moment he decided to help Alec and his fellow shadowhunters, every friend he had lost in the war again, all the energy and time he’d spent in fighting yet another battle in the name of wiping out his own kind, he felt drained to the bone. He felt bittersweet, thinking back on every moment he had put his emotions aside, just to keep Alec, Izzy, Clary and Jace sane for another moment during a war. Somewhere in his mind, he longed for Ragnor’s ghost (or whatever that is) to come back and talk to him, yet glancing around the loft, there’s no figure that seemed like Ragnor. Even if Magnus closed his eyes, he couldn’t hear the voice of his oldest friend. Tears dropping down to his cheeks, then onto the cushion. Even though they won after everything, he wondered what was it all for at the end. His friends were still gone, he still felt drained, both mind and soul. He felt empty, it was like his every action and thought during the war had taken everything out of him.

 

He let the exhaustion and sorrow drown himself, sobbing turned into crying. His brain hurt from crying out loud, from all the pain flooding in his mind. His vision didn’t blur from the tears, but from his own consciousness of not willing to see. The desire to blur his own reality, so maybe the pain would be less real, easier to deal with than the harsh reality. The reality of there was really nothing he could do, to bring the ones he loved and cared for back from the dead. Nothing he could do to make his own experiences less painful, to make himself less clear, less perceptive of things that happened around him. There was nothing that could make him forget how he came to know those people, how some might have turned away, some fought with him till the end, his brain hurt from all the remembering. He wished he could remember something less clearly, recount one less thing, but no dice. His brain would not betray him at the worst moment.

 

He remembered he used to be young and naive enough to think that someone would come crashing in and comfort him at such times. Yet with four hundred years of experience, Magnus Bane knew better than ever to expect such comfort to appear when you most needed it. Somewhere in his mind, he was amazed that he could actually get used to such a fact, that no one would ever come to his mind’s rescue when he wanted it the most. He wondered maybe it’d have been easier to drown when his mortal stepfather threw him in the lake. He thought, being a warlock for someone who was as compassionate and stubborn as he was had got to be at least one of the jokes of the century kind of deal.

 

He cried until every nerve in his brain seemed to be vibrating, until the tears weren’t drying but his mind was. Every nerve of his body seemed to be screaming tired and exhausted. He laid down on the couch, staring blankly at the huge glass window for a few moments before realizing that moving and alive view out there was just triggering his tears further. Then he turned his back against the window and stared at the couch instead.

 

Only then he heard the door cracking open, followed by the familiar sound of someone’s footstep. Magnus quickly sat back up on the couch and flickered his fingers, just to clear the traces of tears and a mess on his face. A small part of his mind pestering himself for not strengthening the protection around the loft before he let himself break down earlier. Still, Magnus let out a breath of relief as the person stepped into the loft was none other than Alec Lightwood. He stood up from the couch and walked towards Alec.

 

‘Alexander, what a surprise. I thought you were staying at the Institute tonight.’ Magnus grinned at the sight of his boyfriend. Though he couldn’t fake the light tremble in his words, he did think he had managed the skills of covering up break-downs in front of everyone. He had been so used with carrying his own burden and this would be no different. Though he’d have liked to have a night all to himself, dealing with all this mess, he did think that Alec being here would distract him, and maybe save him some energy on crying all night long.

 

‘Jace and Izzy had gotten date nights and well…I just wanna see you. I’m not interrupting anything, right?’ Alec shrugged, though he stared a little longer on Magnus’ face than usual.

 

‘No no, darling, I was just…reading some old stuff to pass the time really. You know, even the High Warlock of Brooklyn needs some leisure time, right?’ Magnus barely stuttered in his answer, still it was enough for Alec to notice for sure there was something different with Magnus.

 

‘Do you want some tea? Or we can open up some wine?’ Magnus asked, as he turned around towards the kitchen.

 

‘Tea is fine.’ Alec answered without real attention, since he was glancing all over the loft. There was no sign of any books Magnus said he was reading, nor any sign of him having a drink while reading. Finally, Alec’s sight set on the cushion left on the couch and noticed the few patches in deeper shade than the rest of the cushion. He walked towards the couch and picked up the cushion for closer examination. As he put back down the cushion, he saw Chairman Meow and Church both slept in comfort on the couch, which technically wasn’t a rare sight. However, the two cats rarely slept at somewhere so exposed in the loft. Usually, Alec either saw them both sleeping on Magnus’ bed, or curled up on the big chair in Magnus’ study, but never out here on the couch.

 

‘I hope camomile is alright, darling.’ Magnus walked back into the main room, holding the tray on his hands. Alec gazed on the smile on his boyfriend’s face, for a moment he was not sure what to do, whether he should leave Magnus to his facade, or try to break it out of him. Magnus’ smiled dropped a little as Alec continued not to answer him.

 

‘Something on…’ Before Magnus could ask further, Alec had already taken the tea tray away from Magnus’ hands and settled it on the coffee table, then proceeded to hold the man himself tight in his arms.

 

‘You told me not to push you away when things get crazy, even though I don’t know what’s crazy in your mind now, please let me in.’ Alec whispered slowly into Magnus’ ears. Though Alec had been slow to show emotions and difficult to let his own desires float to the surface, it did not mean he was not at least perceptive to how the people around him felt. He wasn’t Izzy, Jace and Max’s elder brother for nothing. Years of observing his siblings and battle training for clues, Alec might be slow to act on his own emotions or to react to others’, it did not mean he didn’t see them.

 

‘Just…let me hold you, please.’ Alec added, as Magnus tensed up in his arms. Alec smoothed his hair with one hand, while the other hand kept swiping slowly over his back. It wasn’t until another beat that Magnus relaxed a little in Alec’s arms and gently leaned his forehead on Alec’s shoulder. Then, it was only when Alec kept his hand holding tight on Magnus’ waist that Magnus pulled his own hands up and held Alec’s waist as well. It was another moment until Magnus allowed tears to fall on Alec’s shirt.

 

‘I will just be here, Magnus. I will just stay here, with you and for you.’ Alec said in a hushed tone.

 

Only then did Magnus really break into crying. His entire body kept shivering in Alec’s arms and Alec could only hold him as tight as it was possible. Not only did it break Alec’s heart to hear Magnus, someone as powerful, seemingly invincible and charming at all times, to break like this. Alec felt guilty that only then he had time to think back on how much Magnus had also lost in the war. Alec always knew there would be experiences and feelings of Magnus that he himself would not be able to comprehend, yet only until then could he feel the magnitude of that fact. That Magnus had known so many people in his lifetime, that he had lost so many to death. That in the various wars Magnus had witnessed, and maybe fought in, so much more destructions and darkness had he experienced and suffered. Alec was so lost in his own thought that it took him a moment longer to feel that Magnus had loosened his hands around Alec.

 

‘Alexan’er…m’ tired…’ Still refusing to look directly at Alec, Magnus only leaned a little on the side with his head still on Alec’s shoulder. Alec loosened his hold on Magnus, but quickly picked him up bridal style. Magnus unconsciously curled closer to Alec’s chest without thinking.

 

‘Let’s just get some rest for now. I’ll cook you dinner and if you wanna talk about it by then, we’ll do that? I’m always here for you, Magnus.’ Alec held Magnus all the way into his bedroom and sat him down. Magnus stared blankly at Alec’s motions, as he proceeded to take off most of Magnus’ clothes, until he was only wearing his briefs. Alec kissed on Magnus’ forehead, then laid him down on the bed.

 

‘I’m gonna take a warm towel for you and then we can take a nap together, okay?’ Alec was just about to turn around, when a warm piece of towel hit him right in the face. Alec took it into his hands and saw brief traces of blue mist from Magnus’ hands. Alec smiled a little and proceeded to gently wipe on Magnus’ face with the towel. He then put it aside and quickly undressed himself to join Magnus in bed.

 

Alec wasted no time holding Magnus tight in his arms once more.

 

‘Come on, just go to sleep. I’ll just be here with you, Magnus.’ Alec murmured as Magnus blinked.

 

‘Thank you…Alexander… I…’ Magnus had no clue of what he could say to Alec that moment.

 

‘No need to thank me, even if I’m not just returning the favour of you comforting me ever since we first met, I love you. I love you enough to just wanna be here for you. I know this isn’t gonna make everything alright, but I’ll always just be here for you to lean on. I’m just here…’ Alec continued to murmur into Magnus’ ears, as his hand swiped on Magnus’ back in comforting patterns.

 

Alec’s words triggered a few teardrops from Magnus, but he only curled tighter against Alec and fell asleep hearing comforting words from Alec, thinking that he’d tell Alec that he loved him as well, when he woke up. 

 

Everything was still gonna hurt when Magnus woke up, but if anything, he'd have Alec beside him as well.

**Author's Note:**

> So...it is the one year 'anniversary' of my friend passed away and I didn't want to cry for another two to three hours. Her passing had become another burden in my head, and somehow I decided to write this as a release and outlet of my feelings, instead of crying and blowing my nose for another hour.... I'm sorry if the ending isn't what you expected, maybe you expect Magnus to talk a little more, or they'd say something more, but for one, I felt like this ending is a little closer to what would actually happen, and for two, allow my mind to not wanna think about what would another person say would really comfort me, because in real life, I don't have such a person. Regardless, I hope you enjoy this little piece.....


End file.
